It’s not surprise to anyone, including myself, that I am having a rough time dealing with my life at the moment. It’s a weird feeling not knowing what’s coming next in your life or even having a plan. There’s always been “the next step” looming on the horizon. I mean, in elementary school you knew that middle school was coming next and in middle school you knew high school was going to be the best ever!!!!! and then after high school came college. The big leagues. Where your real life starts and you figure out what you want to do when you’re a “grownup” and everything starts to make sense. Right? Hell no. I’m pretty sure college confused me even more about what direction my life was headed (not that I had much of a direction before). So here I am, no job, not much of an idea of a career, and living back home with my parents. It seems as though my life is at a standstill while everyone else is living on their own with a job (some better than others) or in med school or law school or some other sort of school or getting married or engaged or pretty much just doing something other than what I’m doing which is nothing.
I think the key thing I’ve noticed that sets everyone else apart from me in the view that they are starting their life and becoming an adult is the fact that they all like coffee. I just don’t get it. I hate coffee.
Questions I have about coffee:
1. Is there a way to drink it without feeling like you overdosed on Adderall and your innards are about to bust through your skin? (ew)
a) Is that a normal reaction to coffee? Is it a feeling you just get used to? Or am I the only one?
2. How do you make it taste better without adding a lot of sugar because I know it’s not good for you?
3. Does it still count as coffee if it’s more cream and sugar than coffee?
4. Can I substitute hot tea for coffee and still be considered a grownup?
5. Does it ever taste as good as it smells?
6. Is there a type of coffee that is user friendly for those suffering with anxiety?
Basically what I’m getting at is this- is everyone growing up but me? Or is this just sort of how everyone feels but are just better at hiding it because they drink coffee and ask for kitchen supplies for Christmas?
Since it is the New Year and all I’ve decided to make some goals. For anyone that knows me, I’m sure you’re shaking your head and thinking “who is she kidding? Fraser doesn’t make goals and she certainly doesn’t meet them.” Which is sadly right so maybe I need a different word other than goals. Fixer uppers? That’s all I’ve got. Weak but I’m going with it. Let me start over: I’ve decided to create some fixer uppers for myself to accomplish. No time frame because I’m not very good at working within a deadline as can be illustrated by the fact that I never turned a paper in college in on time and the big kicker, I still have three courses left to complete to achieve my degree. So here are a few fixer uppers I would like to accomplish at some point in my life hopefully sooner than later:
1. Move out of my parent’s house. I don’t think this really needs much explanation. Although I do love my parents and my house and my room I want my own lair.
2. Gain control of my depression/anxiety. Silver Linings Playbook really empowered me on that one. Just because I have some issues doesn’t mean I need to let them control me and affect who I am and how I treat others.
3. Find something I enjoy that involves effort. While I’d like to brag that I have a knack for finding shows on Netflix and watching every single episode that’s not really doing much for my life in a positive way. Although White Collar has made me contemplate how I would rob a museum more than once.
4. Centering myself. Side story on this one: my dear friend Hannah sent me some wise words the other day after I vented to her about being jealous. “Are you back centered? Don’t let things spread you out. Regroup. Did you regroup and realize not to be jealous? Very wise lady that one.
5. Putting some sched in my life. While I don’t have a job or really anything else to do, I need some sort of structure. I realized it was a problem when I woke up at 1 PM today because I had nothing else to do and immediately felt guilty and bad about myself. Though I didn’t have anything to do, it doesn’t help to wake up already feeling negatively about yourself for sleeping in. I could have found something else to do… like… finishing up White Collar before the season premier tonight… Or yoga. Let’s pretend I just said yoga first to help out my cause with “Fixer Upper 2.”
While these may not be extravagant or “big dreams” as we are told to have by (I apologize if this offends anyone) idiotic quotes like “shoot for the moon!” I think it’s the small steps we take to improve ourselves and feel good about ourselves that count before we can actually be where we want to be. In order to be at a place where you’re happy and content, you have to be happy and content with yourself. Maybe living at home for awhile without anything to do besides an online course or two is good for me. Maybe I need this chance to figure out who I am and what moves me and excites me in order to speed back up and jump on the coffee train with everyone else. I think we all need to pull off the interstate sometimes and just look at all we’ve got and who we’ve got. In honor of slowing down and embracing situations and embracing yourself I leave you with some Billy Joel. Dude has got it all figured out.