In the past week I’ve heard the phrase or some variation of the phrase, “Are you a Speaks?” multiple times. Which is weird to me. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at someone without knowing them and automatically known what tribe they are a member of. Maybe I’m just bad at that sort of thing. I also can never really tell if someone looks more like their mom or their dad or their aunt or whatever. Maybe it’s just not “my thing.” Anyways, hearing strangers tell me that they know who I am without knowing me made me think about the fact that they probably think they know my personality and mannerisms as well since they know things of that sort about my family as a whole. The problem with this is that I don’t know if that’s a positive thing or not. I have no idea what people think about my family. So, I’ve decided to describe a few members of my family and fun facts about them.
1. My Nana
My Nana has a vendetta for squirrels. I’m serious. The lady absolutely despises squirrels. And I have the slight suspicion that the squirrels know this and find delight in torturing her. I’ve literally never heard of someone having for starters, such a hatred for squirrels and also an overabundance of squirrels on her property. Seriously, the other night I was over there and a squirrel had somehow gotten into the wall and was scampering around. That shouldn’t happen. My grandmother’s solution to this squirrel problem is simply 20+ squirrel traps surrounding the house and a shotgun. Once she has caught a squirrel she spray paints him (or her) and takes them in her truck across the river to the godforsaken land of Lugoff and leaves them there because squirrels can’t swim so there’s no way of them getting back unless they hitch a ride with a friendly family driving across the bridge. The spray paint? I’m guessing so if she happens to see one of “her squirrels” crossing the road she can make sure to end his life for once and for all with her car. Just my guess though. I’ve never received an actual explanation. She also is an amazing cook. Like, I hope that one day when I have to learn to cook (though I hope that day never comes) I hope I somehow miraculously get some of that skill. And the courage to fight the war on squirrels (or anything else that I dislike) alone and with diligence.
2. Joyce Mamas
This woman is the epitome of sass. If you’ve ever met her, you know what I’m talking about. I don’t think she has a filter nor does she care if what she says to you is offensive. For example, I paid her a visit one day and our first dialogue went something like this:
Joyce: “Is that what you wear around campus?”
Me: (I was wearing gym shorts and a t-shirt) “Yes…?”
Joyce: “Well, no wonder you don’t have a boyfriend if you go in public like that.”
Okay well thanks. It all makes sense now. I’d been wondering why I hadn’t been receiving much attention from the opposite sex and this was why!! The gym shorts and t-shirt. Thank God she told me. In all seriousness though, I’m thankful that I have a diva for a grandmother. How else would I learn how to get what I want and speak my mind? What’s even better is that my grandmother married one of the best men that exists in the world. I have the world’s most quintessential (shoutout to Wofford) grandpa. Coley/Coach is the most level headed, genuine, and funniest 80 year old I know. It evened out perfectly. Also, I think that Coley is the only person Joyce actually listens to. Man has got skills.
I don’t think either of these descriptions really paint a portrait of my family as a whole. All I know is that there is never a dull or quiet moment. There’s always squirrels to get rid of or opinions to be voiced.
In memory of my grandfather, “Pop Pop”