Recently, my mother and I had an
argument conversation where she said to me “maybe you can actually follow through with something for the first time in your life.” Burn. But so very, very true. Anyone who knows me on a personal (or not) level could tell you I don’t really have a knack for commitment. Not only in terms of relationships but with events, clubs, projects, favorite food, book, you name it. I’m the anti-commit. It’s become a running joke among my friend group that I suck at commitment. One of my friends in college said to me “You know, things never really end for you with a big bang or an angry fight or anything like that… they just kind of… fizzle out.”
It’s not that I have a phobia of it or anything (okay maybe a little bit), most of the time I don’t even realize it’s happening until, well, it has happened. What is this “it” you ask? It’s the fizzling out, the slow pull away, float way, creep away, whatever you want to call it. “It” is that decision to no longer commit. Desperado. The act of removing myself from whatever it was I foolishly committed to. The gypsy. And it’s not as though I know that this is going to happen. Most of the time I full heartedly commit and think to myself: Self, this is it! We’re going to do this! And we’re going to do it right! Next thing I know it’s a month later and I have no idea how the hell I’ve ended up single, covered in paint and broke. Not an exaggeration. This has happened to me more times than I care to disclose.
This could go along with how unsettling the feeling of being settled makes me feel. I hate it. As soon as things start to feel routine and consistent I bail. The feeling of normalcy honest to God makes me feel nauseous. No jokes here, I honestly feel an overwhelming since of nausea the second I’m in a situation too deep. Maybe it’s the lack of control I fear that comes with routine. Or maybe it’s the fact that I could possibly have a strange gag reflex. Whatever the reason is, I’m no good at settling. And I don’t mean settling as in when people say “you deserve so much better!!!!!!!!!!!!” No. I mean settling as in standing still, the feeling of being settled. As in “all settled in to watch this movie” or “I’m already settled in for the night” or “we’re all settled into our new home!”
I desire the running. Not actual running because I hate exercise and am frankly, very lazy. I love the chase. The what could happen. That’s probably why my romantic relationships are not only few and far between but also have expiration dates of like, a few months. If that. So not only do I have a gag reflex sparked by settling, a love of the chase and commitment phobia I also suffer from major FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). I constantly want to be doing everything, with everyone at the same time. And I have a hard time choosing which is the best decision for me other than the one that’s most convenient or loudest happening in front of me.
Am I the only one? I constantly am seeing friends, family members, people I don’t really know, people I definitely don’t know and people I never want to know being committed in their lives. From relationships, to jobs, to plans, to pets, to whatever. Do you people who are committed to things ever feel how I feel? Or is it just me? Is it something you grow out of? Or am I always going to have a panic attack the second something becomes “normal?”
I was reading an article on what is more than likely my top visited site (other than Netflix) entitled “50 Life Changing Truths Worth Reminding…” I can’t remember the rest. But that’s not the important part. The important part was one of the truths, obviously. Chase drinks and dreams, never people. This is definitely a more grownup version of the quote every single girl had on their AIM buddy info in 7th grade. You know what I’m talking about. “A girl should only chase three things: shots and something else. Okay so I don’t remember the rest. That’s probably because until I think college I thought this quote was talking about a basketball shot and so it kind of confused me because what does it mean to chase a basketball shot? Anyways, the grownup version kind of hit me hard. Because I do feel like I end up chasing people rather than my dreams and shots. I also have trouble distinguishing between if I’m doing something for myself (my dreams) or for people (not upsetting someone, doing what they want me to do). Sure, a lot of times, these coincide. But sometimes they don’t. And I think I need to figure out how to tell them apart and stop chasing people and start chasing my dreams. And my shots. Because I’m not a freshman in college anymore. Gotta grow up sometime, right?