Please, listen

Dear Insurance Provider,

I thought you might be interested to know that I just left my intensive outpatient therapy in tears. You’re probably also interested as to why this is a concern of yours. It’s a concern of yours because you decided that you were not allotting me anymore days for treatment. Apparently you, knower of all things, decided that I was “all better!” I should have been seeing you guys all along because it seems as if you are more knowledgeable than my psychiatrist (both of them) as well as the six therapists and nurse that lead the program every single day of the week!

Did you not read the notes from them saying things like “Fraser self-harmed again this week” or “Fraser spent the entire day crying on and off because she is having difficulty mustering up the will to live” or “Fraser is completely exhausted and drained from having to live inside her own mind and doesn’t want to be herself anymore?” Perhaps you read them and just didn’t take them seriously. My hunch is the latter of the two.

I know that it’s probably difficult to wrap your minds around a disease that there are no blood tests or obvious physical changes to go off (although you could take a look at my arms and the scars that still appear there or the bags under my eyes). Maybe if you would provide me coverage for a brain scan you would be able to see how different my brain is from someone who doesn’t suffer from a mental illness. Alas, you won’t and I currently can’t afford that living off of a teacher’s salary doing something that actually changes people’s lives. Doesn’t sound familiar to your daily life?

I’m not sure how to make you take what I go through seriously. Would you prefer for me to show up at your office and slit my wrists in front of you to get you to take me seriously? Or maybe you would prefer for me to go back into the hospital, although I highly doubt that because that would cost you more money since two days in the hospital costs the same amount as two weeks in outpatient. And isn’t that your main concern? Money?

Maybe if I did take my own life you would finally listen, mainly because you would no longer receive the money that comes out of my already meager paycheck. You and I both know that every penny counts!

Sadly enough, I am not the only person affected by your decisions of our ability to get the help we need. The number of people I have seen come and go – many after only being there a couple of days, is extremely disheartening. Basically, those of us who can’t afford to pay out of pocket are shit out of luck. There are some people I’ve seen that go into debt to be able to still get help. They are that desperate and aren’t ready to give up their fight for life yet. I see them getting run down more and more and I worry that soon they won’t be able to continue the battle. But I’m not in a position right now where I can afford to do that because I am still paying off my bills from my stay in the hospital that you refused to cover. Not to mention the debt I’m already in from student loans.

Luckily I still have my psychiatrist outside of outpatient that you do cover (after I met my deductible, of course) but that’s only a once-a-week bill of $150. Others aren’t as lucky as I am and are only able to afford one or the other or maybe not either one. Whether it be because they aren’t able to afford insurance or their provider refuses to pay, or at the very least help them out.

When will you finally listen? When will anyone finally listen? We’re killing ourselves and sometimes we’re killing others because no one will listen and there aren’t many who will help us. No one will take a very real disease seriously because it’s hard for people to understand what they can’t physically see.

If someone is in a horrible accident or suffering from a disease that can be proved with their blood do you say they’re better now when the tests prove otherwise, or they still are unable to walk or get around without the help of physical therapy or various other treatments, would you stop covering them just because you think they’re well enough? Who are you to decide what is enough?

How many more deaths is it going to take for people to realize that this is a very real and growing problem? To those of you fighting for us and taking us seriously- thank you. You are the reasons that a lot of us choose to keep going. For some, the light is no longer there, so even you are not enough.

Tell me, what can I do to make you listen? This will probably be lost in the void where others cries for help remain, unanswered. But I wouldn’t feel right not trying myself.

So, instead of getting the treatment I desperately need, I will spend the remainder of the day continuing to call you until someone will finally speak to me. Keep putting me on hold or avoiding my calls, it just continues to light my fire. And that fire is mad as hell.



Your Noncompliant Servant



One thought on “Please, listen

  1. Yes. Yes. And yes.

    Not even sure what else to say, but that’s it perfectly. I’m a single mom on disability. The one thing that everyone agrees is my ticket to health is working with my therapist. I have to pay for every session with him out of pocket. I can’t afford it even at the discounted rate he is so kind to offer me. I want to live. Without my therapist, I’d be long dead by now. I’d go see the DI company and tell them how their attitude contributes to my illness, but they live miles away. I can’t afford to travel there and besides I’m terrified of going that far away from home.

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